YMonday, May 15, 2006
hmmm today had econs test. hopefully can pass. studies wise i think im going back to square 1. need to work on it.
spent an hour trying to persuade kerwin to take up 1500 with me. i made it sound as if im so confident we could make it to the finals after intensive training, but now after training im starting to doubt my own words. it seems as if i was just so... naive, when i was writing out my race plans. and im still deciding if im gonna sign up, by tomorrow latest.
training was good today. after seeing all the girls get such good achievements in yesterday's competition, one can't help but feel that he is expected to do the same; do as well, if not better. so pushed myself to the max. and ran 4 sets of fart leg. first 2 was with ivan, wayne and kenneth. did quite well, was quite impressed by their determination at certain points of time. hope they would go mental soon too. next 2 sets with dharma, weikang, jonathan, vasin, cz was tough. 1st 400 won, but i believe that's bcoz they didnt put in full. subsequently next 2 sets of 200m got 2nd.. the next 400m i just couldn't take it and i fell off at the 200m mark, my body system rejecting the lunch i had just half an hour before training. but i kept it in, despite how disgusting it sounds. thanks jon for being there. and then i swiftly picked myself up to run the next 2 sets of 200. won the 1st 200m but only coz they were tired from the 400. last one got 2nd. nice work dharma. jon had some health problems too but he knew how to handle them quite well i must add.
tomorrow there's still track training if i wanna attend. not sure how much more my body can take it. my heart no longer beats normally (too much cardio perhaps), but strangely my legs feel rather fine. but my mind isn't strong enough. it has to be more psycho.
miss lim said some stuff which were quite hurtful to me. she told wk that i might as well just join track n field. canoeing is currently the most essential neccessity of my life, and that isn't gonna change anytime in the near future, until atleast after the nationals. running isn't gonna make me any less committed to canoeing. i don't even like running. i just like the feeling when you're lagging behind a person, and you max out, defeating the person eventually. but weikang is sick. i can't catch him when he's serious. i can't do anything. sometimes one can really feel so fucking useless. i cant run as fast as zehou in long d, weikang in short d. cant do as many pull-ups as bryan, jonathan, wayne, ivan, dharma, cz. cant be as bright as cz, ya yun. cant be as psycho as cz and weikang and the rest who have been really psycho but aren't as noticed. and last but not least, i cant be a good partner to raymond, whole day make him angry. dunno la. i really wanna do well in canoeing, not just for myself, but also for raymond. do something for the stupid school which doesn't recognize any contributions, do something significant in this lifetime of mine. do something which at least my parents will feel proud of, rather than them just scolding me all day long. i know they find me slack and useless. and all the teachers in the school. i bet they all think that way. but as i said, no one really understands wad its like to be in our shoes. many find it meaningless, training so hard. i read so many people's blog and find the word stressful. it has become such a useless word. so i shan't use it. currently, life is fulfilling. there are goals in life. at long last.
my mind just isn't strong enough..
Song of the Day.
The Ataris - The Saddest Song (Acoustic)
so i pretend... im doing all i can..
and hope someday you'll bind it in your heart..
squidnco held your hands at